Drinking Precautions!

On the rare occasion that you see me drunk:

3. Do not let me near a piano, because I will immediately start playing Stephen Sondheim's "The Ladies who Lunch."

2. Do not mention "Dreamgirls," because I will immediately start singing "I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" as my inner black woman, named LaFonda. LaFonda has previously attempted to embrace many other African American Standards to the amazement of all, and the amusement of none.

1. Take my telephone away from me. My prank phone call schtick is wearing thin, and I think QVC is onto me.