I'd Go Down on Edna St. Vincent Milay

If

1) I was straight
2) I had a few good drinks.

MINDFUL of you the sodden earth in spring,
And all the flowers that in the springtime grow,
And dusty roads, and thistles, and the slow
Rising of the round moon, all throats that sing
The summer through, and each departing wing,
And all the nests that the bared branches show,
And all winds that in any weather blow,
And all the storms that the four seasons bring.

You go no more on your exultant feet
Up paths that only mist and morning knew,
Or watch the wind, or listen to the beat
Of a bird’s wings too high in air to view,—
But you were something more than young and sweet
And fair,—and the long year remembers you.

A Ditty on the Boston Burlesque Expo

I saw an aged woman
light her breats ablaze
Shimmy, shimmy
Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy
Bringing down the house

Drinking Precautions!

On the rare occasion that you see me drunk:

3. Do not let me near a piano, because I will immediately start playing Stephen Sondheim's "The Ladies who Lunch."

2. Do not mention "Dreamgirls," because I will immediately start singing "I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" as my inner black woman, named LaFonda. LaFonda has previously attempted to embrace many other African American Standards to the amazement of all, and the amusement of none.

1. Take my telephone away from me. My prank phone call schtick is wearing thin, and I think QVC is onto me.

God Does Not Want Miles to Have Sex, However the Universe is On His Side

As a firm believer in the principle of "everything happens for a reason," I can't help but feel that there is a strategy that the Higher Powers (e.g., God, Bhudda, Krishna, Ra, Mohammed, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Zeus) have for my destiny.

Right now, a burlesque dancer named Satan's Angel is going to show me how to make pasties.

I love my life. The universe is on my side, and I do have faith.

Miles is writing an entry solely in Facebook statuses.

Miles is procrastinating.
Miles is being lazy in his bed in Glens Falls, New York.
Miles is thinking about Minneapolis.
Miles is thinking about North Carolina.
Miles is thinking about Prague.
Miles is thinking about London.
Miles is waiting on London.
Miles is shit broke.
Miles is going to Boston tomorrow.
Miles is watching the snow fall.
Miles is moody.
Miles is caring for his sick padre.
Miles is dropping his shit four years too late.